Written at: 1:30am
My mother has this horribly acute sense within her, when I believe she can tell I’m having a bad patch. And it is during these magical times that she decides to treat me like shit, and show me exactly how much she hates me. It sounds like I’m being melodramatic and shallow, but there’s been so much going on recently that I’m actually starting to doubt whether she even tells people she has two kids any more. Still, away goes the router and I am stuck with the world’s most useless laptop that doesn’t do anything. I got really mad, started hyperventilating, felt incredibly trapped etc etc, and instead of doing something I’d regret, I just gathered some stuff and went for a walk. As of tonight I’ve decided that going outside in the wee hours, dressed in completely inappropriate clothes for the weather to walk by myself around the village popping pills and necking vodka is one of my new favourite pastimes. It will have to be done more often. Hopefully when the weather’s nicer though. Still, it was amazing. I was just expecting it to be cold but there’s a good inch and a half of snow out there, probably more now actually, I’ve been inside for a while now. I wandered around, could hardly believe how pretty the place is when it snows. There’s something about that British rural/urban mix that gets strikingly beautiful when you add snow to it. I also went through the estate and walked past my old house. I really wanted to go inside and sit upstairs in my room because to be honest, I always felt so safe there, and there were never that many problems there. Until the divorce I mean, but that’s always going to be troublesome. I wasn’t crazy then. I was just a dumb kid. Apparently there’s a big difference between being a dumb kid and being a crazy adult. Even though there really isn’t.

I got so nostalgic and while I was freezing my everything off, I wished I could go back to that place and just feel safe and not have to worry about anything. Sure, all the stuff I owned was generic, store brand versions of the stuff that my friends had, and that I wasn’t really supposed to tell people what my Dad did for a job, because it wasn’t really a good job and everyone would look down on us. Everybody around here is so incredibly shallow.

I tried to let all my troubles just float away for a little while, and I think I managed. I’m frozen to the bone, my shoes are soaked through, I’ve scratched my shins and ankles red raw because of the itchy feeling of the blood rushing back into them, and I’ve no more vodka. It’s early, I’ve done well tonight.

I’m still going through intense nicotine withdrawal. I can’t really speak a whole lot because my whole body’s been shivering all day, whenever I try and make words they just come out vibrated. It’s ridiculous. I need to buy tobacco and credit for my phone tomorrow. I need to buy tobacco.

I’m probably gonna face book the pictures I took tonight, mostly because they’re awesome and I had fun. I stood under a canopy at the door to a restaurant and shook the snow off myself part way through my journey, and just stood there staring at the flakes. It was awesome and I really wish I’d had someone to share that with, because the beauty of the little things just makes it worth sticking through the hard crap.

Also why do only the crazies really appreciate the little things in life. I suppose it’s because crazy makes it interesting but it’s just something I’ve noticed over time. You probably have to be crazy to switch off your brain enough to notice the little things these days.

I still want to smash things, I’m so frustrated. Even not being able to talk to LL just makes this hard, she’s like my backup, and I like to think I’m hers. We can both talk to each other about stuff when it gets bad and we know for sure that we’d never use it against one another because we’ve known each other for years. I basically really need to talk to somebody and the closest I can get right now is typing into my generic Word Processing program because I am entirely out of credit and after my call to Bexray’s phone at stupid o’clock yesterday I can’t use the landline again for a while or my Mum will probably take that out too. I’m stuck. I don’t even have a car so I can’t even just drive out somewhere and sit in a car park listening to obscenely loud music in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, which is exactly what I need to do right now. I need to be away from people and out by myself and just gone far far away so nobody can find me because being stuck here with nothing is a hell of a lot worse than being somewhere away from everybody by my own choice.

Still I have no choice, and so here I am. This is such a mission, and if anybody reads this all the way through, leave me a note so I can photoshop you a medal. I would send a real one but that is both odd and expensive. I wish I had my own room so I could shut myself away and not have to see anybody. I shut myself away in mine and my sister’s room most of the day so I could be miserable and hungover by myself, but everyone just seemed to get angry with me for being antisocial. I’m gonna try and sleep now. It won’t work but whatever.